Can a marriage survive a gym workout?

In College

He looked at me, almost glaring, “Are you committed or not?” “Yes, I am committed,” I may have even added an eye roll, but I can’t be quite sure. If I were to take a guess though I added the eye roll.

This was a conversation I had with my husband 12 weeks ago. For some crazy reason he had decided that he was going to take on the job of being my personal trainer and for some crazy reason I agreed. I guess to really appreciate the magnitude of this you need some of our history.

He was the athletic jock in high school.  The Varsity Athlete, Captain of the football team…He wore his letterman jacket a lot. It was a staple to his “Jock” wardrobe like the sweatpants, cut up sweatshirts and t-shirts. Not a really pretty picture but it was the 80’s. I on the other hand occupied my time with anything else so I would not have to work out. I really could not be bothered with sweating in a room for the sake of vanity. Clearly health was not an issue for me back then.  There was one semester in high school when I participated in an aerobics class but it was only because my school did not offer riding in the winter. Horseback ridding was my sport. It was really more my therapy instead of a sport, even though I did compete throughout my life. I just needed the barn so I could breath because horses were and still are my lifeline. Scott and I began dating in high school and we were very compatible even though we were very different. As harsh as it may sound, I didn’t have much of an interest in watching his games and I don’t think he was even aware that I was an equestrian or what that would mean until much later.

From high school we went to college…. still dating and still living a bit separately. He was still a jock. With a friend, he started a Power Lifting Team that became a competitive team. He was in the Gym everyday for hours…I wasn’t. I once took a course in nautilus. My teacher was so easy I could sit with him and talk the whole time without lifting or pushing a machine ever…you know the famous,  “I am not feeling great today. I have cramps (the womanly kind). It’s that time of the month.” I did, however, continue to ride all through college. We were each happy enjoying our own passions throughout the day and spending time together when we had some free time. Once in a while, Scott, would say, “Why don’t you work out with me?”  I think I walked into the college gym twice out of the four years and once was to tell him my grandfather had died. Lets just say the grunting and groaning of males in a small square gym that could hardly hold all the testosterone in the room was not my idea of a good time.

Scott and I in college

Instead I let him design a diet for me to improve my nutrition. He sat me down with a friend of mine and wrote out a new dietary plan. OMG, I didn’t think I could do it. It was too much for me to comprehend the why of it all.  He said no more whole milk I had to switch to skim. He said I had to give up eating cheeseburgers everyday for lunch. I literally thought I was going to starve. There was no way I could survive on “healthy” cafeteria food. I thought maybe I would be able to get away with Tuna melts…you know its fish…healthy, but he said no.  Lastly, he took away ice cream and even frozen yogurt. No frozen yogurt, I was done. I would surely fail.  Now I know I sound a bit dramatic and maybe even wimpy… but I am not and was not a wimp. My friend, who by the way was quite the athlete, was also in a state of shock. We both knew we were doomed.

I did however become much more supportive of his athletic pursuits and I can say I attended many power lifting meets and even kept track of his lifts and the amount that he was lifting. I really was quite the coach.  He in turn realized I was an equestrian and began attending horse shows though he        never really took to liking them or horses. These few steps made us each feel very supportive of one another. This was the beginning of a small shift in our relationship.

                                                    

Scott and I with Siennafire at a horse show

After College I continued to ride competitively up until my pregnancy with our first child.Scott took his drive and ambition in the gym and refocused it on work and a career. Through the years and three kids later, I learned how to work out on my own, stay fit and eat very healthy.I had to accept that my family genetics were not the best. After the death of my father from heart disease, I began having regular blood work and tracking my numbers. I had a bit of surprise to learn that I had and still have a battle with high cholesterol. It wasn’t my diet which I had already cleaned up it was my own DNA; There were times I even became obsessive with my diet and exercise.I was a far cry from that young teenage girl. Scott continued to work like crazy and spent many hours at the office.His competitive nature to be strong and fit went by the wayside in order for him to be what he considered successful.We still were living together but very separate, however this time it felt different. I was no longer the spirited young woman controlling her destiny. I was now a mother of three young girls close in age…three kids in three years.I was trying to do it all plus be it all to everyone and feeling terribly alone.I wasn’t sure how or why my life was this way. I married my best friend, the one person I could always count on so why did it feel like I was alone. The harder I tried to be perfect the worse the situation became. Sometimes I felt as if Scott wasn’t so much as cheering me on anymore but resenting who I was becoming. The healthier I became the angrier and more distant he became. Somehow I don’t think either one of us truly understood the dynamic that was taking hold and threatening everything that we were.

A year ago Christmas

A few years ago I decided to participate in a boot camp class with a personal trainer. Cindy showed me what I was really capable of with my body. I followed her fitness routine and diet completely without cheating at all. I actually surprised myself with the results. I was strong, determined, lean and willing to give up what I needed to for the results. I had finally really tapped into that drive that I watched Scott with so many years ago.  Unfortunately, a few months later, a back injury from horseback ridding would set me back. A second back injury kept me from working out for months.  I could barely do a push up let alone go for a run or even ride. I was in trouble physically, emotionally and mentally.

Scott had slowly started to change too. He realized the life that he had was not the one he wanted. He realized he had lost himself somewhere along the way. Yet even with this new awareness change with in him would come very slowly. He was supportive and proud of the person I had become and what I was trying to accomplish but he was not ready to partake in the changes with me. I tried religiously to get him to join me.  He did start to take care of himself again. He was disappointed how out of shape he was, he wanted to be different but he was missing the drive and discipline that he needed to make a lasting change.

Call it the wind, the stars aligning, or God working through us but this past fall a change occurred.  Scott decided over the summer, this was it. He was committing to himself, to me, to life and he wanted me to come along with him. We fought most of the summer over calories…food intake…workouts. I still did my own thing. Yet he knew I was not where I wanted to be physically and he knew that I had to be careful with my back. He told me to trust him and he asked me to give him a shot.  Twelve weeks was the commitment, just twelve weeks. He said I work with others so why couldn’t I just train with him. So I did it. I mean really what could I lose, besides a few pounds?

Last winter in Vermont

 I am presently in week 12. I never thought I would make it here. I really mean never thought… The first day in the gym I realized I had to listen to him. I mean listen in a submissive role…Get it, submissive! Not an easy task. I have always been quite independent and I hate being bossed around especially by my husband. We already have our roles as a couple and now in the gym there was a whole new set of roles. I had to do as he said…no complaining, arguing…whatever you want to call it. By the second week I thought there was no way I was going to survive this. It was going to be him or me because I am really going to hurt him. I may have used a %^$##%%^ word here and there. I never would have used such language with any of my other trainers but I let him have it more than once.  I hated the way he said something to me or told me to a lift a certain way. There were times I imagined hitting him in the head with a weight. If he only knew the thoughts that went through my mind when he told me to get angry.  Angry…. All that anger that I held through the years, all the sadness that I held there it was in the gym.  I was fully aware of a pain in the pit of my stomach and I would try to breath through it. I knew that pain was old issues resurfacing, but I also knew unless I was finally able to let go, take my life back and move on with Scott, we were not going to accomplish what we set out to do. If I couldn’t do it in the gym how would I be able to do it everyday in our marriage.

 I began to realize every morning as I crossed the threshold of the gym that Sally the wife could not be in that room but Sally the lifting partner had to be there and be present. It really was a lot to ask. The question I had over and over again was why was this so hard for me? Why can’t I allow him to be in charge of me for 11/2 hours everyday. Just do it I would say over and over. It doesn’t have to change the dynamics when we leave the room, does it?

The best thing he said to me one day was, I am here, I am committed, and I am giving up things I love to be here, just like you. I heard that. I finally heard it. I was busy complaining telling him I missed this in the morning or that.  Like I was the only one. I finally realized the sacrifices he was making to be there with me, for me, for us. I knew this was huge, new and different.  It was finally everything I had wanted for so long and yet I was fighting it. I wanted it all. I wanted to be there with him when I wanted but I also wanted to run off and have my freedom to do other things. I was the one that was not fully committed. It was time for my commitment…to recommitment to him and to us.

After 8 weeks of training together (Our 18Th Wedding Anniversary)

After 18 years of marriage, ten years of dating, and three kids we were finally coming together as a couple. We had made a commitment to each other like we had never made before. This was a commitment between us, just the two of us. We had to make this work. I had to make this work.  I stopped fighting, complaining and even rolling my eyes. I showed up and I gave it my all. I know he sees it.  I still like to tease him and pretend that I am eating something very naughty. His reaction always makes me laugh. I still like to have fun but I have a whole new respect for him and us. Sometimes finding a way to be submissive in a relationship can make all the difference and be positive in the right environment. The other day we were both laughing so hard in the gym that I was literally on the floor and he had to leave the room a couple times to try to stop the laughter.  When we exit the gym I am still Sally and he is still Scott. We are equal partners with strong personalities.

The timing of all this growth and unity could not have come at a better time. With three teenage daughters we have found that we are now spending a great deal of time alone together. The girls lead busy lives with school, friends, and tons of activities. We actually have time now to go see a movie or have a conversation that doesn’t revolve around them. It is a small glimpse as to what may come in the future when it may be just the two of us again. I don’t want to be the story that you always hear about…the couple that has nothing in common anymore or the kids kept them together.  That was not who we were when we married and it is not who we will be when our kids are grown.

I have told you my story under the guise of a gym workout and fitness plan but it is not that at all. This is a story of a two people finding their way back home. For years these two individuals lived very happy lives as individuals. Both wanting more and expecting the other to give but not really knowing how to give and be on the other end. Isn’t it always like that? We always know what we want and expect from our loved ones but we don’t really know how to let go and give completely of our selves. It’s Christmas time and as cliché as this will sound I feel a little Grinch like as my heart grew three times that day. There is no certain day but everyday. We have our ups and downs. Sometimes I need him to motivate me and sometimes I have to try to motivate him. We are not the same when we leave the gym. I was so afraid to give up my control that I didn’t see the benefits from working together.  We now have a true partnership, something that we can share with one another. I still have my time to ride. He will have time for his interests as well.  There is a change, a shift. It is in a look, a touch or a mutual glance. It is in the support that we give one another or the recipes that we come up with and share. It is in the way he now makes me breakfast every morning as I had for him the past 18 years. We went from having a date night once a week to a date every morning. I would cash in every dinner; outing and theatre show for what we share in the gym.  We are finally together as a couple. If you see him please don’t tell him that I said that. I still use a $%**$# every now and then. I like to tease him that he is sculpting my body for his own selfish desires but I guess I have my own selfish desires, him. 

Scott and I with the girls this past summer