Why am I here? A journey from middle school to high school.

Carina’s sophomore year in high school

I picked my daughter up from school the other day. During the twenty-minute drive home she announced that she had finished her personal essay for English Class. Well, of course I was thrilled. She had a busy weekend ahead of her and she needed to finish all of her assignments before she went off to participate in a Lacrosse Camp. She asked me if I would like to hear what she wrote. I said of course as I drove her and my two other daughters home after a long day. It was dark out and I was prepared to listen but I was not prepared for what I actually heard. 

I thought it would be another one of those English essays that she rushed through or did the bare minimum. I will admit to a time or two when I have told her, “That was horrible” or “I believe that was the worst paper you have ever written.” I have always known she was capable of more and I was always hoping she would discover that as well. As she read me her paper I was found speechless. I didn’t even know she had chosen to write something so personal. Last time I asked about her topic she mentioned writing about a riding accident. I was expecting to hear the tale once again how too many accidents have led her to walk away from the sport. 

I was moved to tears as I listened to her that night.  I felt her teenage struggles, her pain, her insecurities and her reality. I had her read me her essay a few more times over the course of the week. I needed to hear it over and over again. I had this craving and it could not be satisfied. I was hearing my daughter’s voice in her paper. She had found herself somewhere between equestrian falls, Mark Twain and dog pounds. She had not only found herself but was able to assemble it all into a piece that was honest, raw and moving. I thought maybe there are other teenagers out there that are feeling what she is describing. Maybe they don’t know how to express it or put into words what they are feeling. I knew my reaction was correct when her sisters were asking for copies of her paper so they could read it to their peers in school. We decided, her and I, that we would post her paper here. Maybe someone would read it and it would help them. Maybe a parent would read it and it would bring them closer to their child. Maybe it would just help for no other reason than it makes someone feel they are not alone… There is someone else out there that feels the same. In my daughter Carina’s own words…

Why am I here?

Carina in middle school

Every day of my life the same thought flashes through my mind; Why am I here? What do I bring to the world? Sometimes, I clear my mind from everything happening around me, and I ponder about myself. Some say living is about finding that special someone, or competing with life’s challenges, or even some express that life is just about having fun while it lasts; but most say life is the place to excel in one category, to be good at one thing. Maybe life is more meaningful than it seems to be. Maybe, life holds the opportunity for individuals to create a unique, and beautiful person out of themselves, in which they can make the world a better place.

Throughout my middle school years I was insecure, nervous to speak in groups of people; especially large groups of people, and I found myself to be extremely jealous of others. A good number of my friends played on an outside sports team. That was their life, and that is what they were good at. My artistic friends spent their hours panting, drawing, and sculpting. They were able to express themselves in a more creative way. These emotions were most prominent in eighth grade, the year that I was applying to secondary schools. As I visited high schools that year I had no faith that I would be accepted into any of them. I still remember the feeling of having nothing to offer, at least nothing good enough. 

Even as I became comfortable at Walkers, my flaws still remained. My most extreme struggle throughout my school years has been academics. Many intelligent people surround me, and for a lot of them it all comes naturally. My friends, parents, and my sister Morgan portray their intelligence in almost all that they do, including school and work.  I myself have fine grades, consisting of mostly B’s, with an occasional boost or fall, but in reality, that’s just not acceptable. I sit in class and listen to the voices around me.  I listen more than I speak. I hear my peers talk amongst each other and I embrace their excitement, as they discuss and learn. If only I could speak with as much confidence and intelligence as they do.

Carina’s School Picture sophomore year Ethel Walker School

As days go by I still feel less than every one else, even as I go to Ethel Walker; a place in which almost every one feels accepted. A commonly asked question by many teachers at Walkers has been, “What do others like most about you?” Each time I am asked this question, I turn red, feel nervous, and quickly go blank. This happens because I just don’t know the answer. I don’t even see excellence in myself, let alone seeking excellence others see in me. If life is about finding that special someone, then where is my special someone? If life is about challenges, why am I so blessed with a great school, a loving family, and caring friends? If life is about having fun, when will anything be achieved? Lastly, if life is about finding that one specialty, what am I doing here? Now, here I am, back to my original question, “Why am I here, and what do I bring to the world?”

Thankfully I have learned to cope with my insecurities and instead of being jealous of others, I can be happy for them. I know that I have to work for what I want, even if others don’t have too. Recently I found a phrase that has helped me in life, and that is, “What we seek, we shall find.” Maybe being born with strengths is not what makes a person stronger, but having to push oneself is instead the key to strength. I have learned to use my weaknesses as a guide to changing myself, and my ways of living.  Life is not about individuals living for themselves; instead we are all here to work together as one. Each and everyone on this earth is here to make the world a better place, and in order for that to happen people need to quit the worries about themselves and reach out to others. In the end, the person with the strong heart will make the most changes, and for myself I have a loving heart, and the will to never back down. I have learned those are my most important traits and that I am here to shape the world, not myself.

~ Carina LaBonte

Carina and her boy Tibet